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Sunday, November 02, 2014

tried on this lovely gown some time back.. but seems like only a few ppl think its lovely..but not like i give a shit..  haha!
i love it though. esp the front.. but dont really fancy the back... so.. hopefully can find a gown that is THE ONE. haha

have been wanting to blog so many times.. but my memory is so bad that.. once that particular moment is gone or that emotion has faded a bit.. the words in my head simply evaporates

recently. tingma joo n i (plus other ppl too) did a personality test during our meet up.
n as usual.. i got the talkative.. center of attention.. friendly.. kind of description for my personality 
well.. personality test tells u what are seem like to others
but only you know what you are like
being talkative can be a way of showing awkwardness
being the center of attention may not be what one intended or what wanted or liked being
being friendly depends largely on who one is with
so personality tests can only tell the surface of what u are like. but tells not of why you are what you are like or if you like being what you seem to be like

recently ive been sick of ppl laughing or mocking at my legs.
im not angry. im not irritated. im just sian of it and a bit.. urgh.. 
i have a HUGEASS mirror at home. and i know my thighs and my calves are prolly one of the biggest that the human life form has encountered amongst the female species
but still. its not like i wanted my legs to be like this
its not like i love my legs feeling like two logs or carrrots or whatever u can tink of that thick n fat
but at the same time
im not angry at ppl who laugh at my legs. or upset.
i just wonder. why cant they accept my legs like how i have learnt to accept them
but on second thoughts
if it makes ppl happy to mock or laugh at me. aiya den go ahead la. haha.. 

dunno y im in a melancholy mood lately
not so much of gloomy .. but of .. just a lot of thinking
mayb its because i miss e good old ppl in my life
n each time i tink of such things
i feel like crying out loud..  haha.. or running so fast till i feel no heartache.. 
i keep telling my mum to stop tinking of the past or be apprehensive over whats yet to come
and yet. im being just like the person i dont wan my mum to become

and each time i think of the wedding preparations
i feel excited n happy. and at the same time. sad 
what can i do or what can i give up
so that my family can be how it used to be
even though i dont say it everyday
even tho i dont show it on my face
bt deep inside
 im praying n hoping every single day that francis and yingying are back in my life
bt that flickering light of hope
seems to get dimmer
and dimmer as time ticks by
at least in my dreams. i can see a marriage where there wont be awkward moments during the tea ceremony
and my brothers will be there to laugh .. to take silly pics with me like how we used to
and yingying will be there helping me hold my dress as i walk down the aisle
anyway.. enough of thoughts and reminiscing. it feels great to type and talk to myself. its a form of self counselling and it works. like a fever where u need to dispel e heat out of your body.. you type out all the unhappiness and purge out the sorrow so that you can live a happier and healthier life! 

here's my motto in life: 

and so i shall be. and hopefully. i can spread this seed of joy to the ppl ard me as well!!